CGR Undertow – MY WESTERN HORSE 3D review for Nintendo 3DS

CGR Undertow – MY WESTERN HORSE 3D review for Nintendo 3DS


Want to know something? This is the fourth
horse game I�ve reviewed just on this system. Like, I�m sure…I�ve probably done a
lot more than that, for all the systems. That�s what I�ve done with my life. So…f*ck you,
Neil deGrasse Tyson. It�s My Western Horse 3D for the Nintendo
3DS. How are there this many horse games? Listen, I like to think we know each other
pretty well by now. You guys know. I talk like Michael Cera, I look like a Slayer roadie,
I have this weird thing for Emma Watson…I�m, I also have great hair. And I also tell it
like it is! This is a no spin zone. So I�m going to tell you…this is the worst damn
horse game I�ve played on the 3DS. And I know about these things. �CAUSE I�VE PLAYED A FREAKING TON OF THEM. So this is another one that, like Horses 3D,
doesn�t give you the option of playing as a boy. It just assumes no guy would ever play
this game. Well, you obviously haven�t met me, My Western Horse 3D. Although, in that
review, a viewer pointed out that, �Oh, well, don�t most games assume you�re a
guy?� Blew my freaking mind. Nonetheless, you are Karla. Although I�d
rather be Karai. You want to be a big star in equestrian…stuff. But in order to do
that, you have to go train with your aunt. And listen, your aunt? She�s the mayor and
town council of Bitchville. Population her. Population old joke, but population I don�t
care, this lady�s as cheerful as hemorrhoid ointment. So basically, you train on your aunt�s farm,
and you convince her that you can earn a horse�s trust. You do that by doing the same four
minigames over and over. I hope you like picking a horse�s feet pixel by freaking pixel,
because you only get to do it every freaking day. And is that what a horse�s foot really
looks like? It�s like…freaking, Alien vs. Predator.
That�s disgusting. The first, like, three full days on the farm
are just spent doing those same minigames. Then, at the end of the day, you earn points.
After a few days, you finally have enough points to actually do something. So you go
see your aunt, but she�s like, �No, no, you can�t do stuff unless you answer this
weird question about horses.� And if you get it wrong? Oh, it�s cool.
You just lose a bunch of the points you spent all that time earning. And then it�s back
to those…same minigames, until you can answer the question correctly. Which is to say…until
you fire up the Google machine. Search for…how many beats are in a gallop. And I still got
it wrong. Fortunately, once your aunt stops being such
a hor…se face, you get to do stuff. You can ride on the trails, you can enter contests…and
that�s fun stuff. But here�s the thing. No matter what you�re doing, it�s always
the same thing. The gameplay is always the same button inputs and tilt controls. Tilt
the system to get the thing in the thing. Freaking tilt controls. I think I�d rather pick the horseshoe. At first, the structure of this game really
bothered me. And then I figured out, �Oh, it�s like that because there�s not much
to it, and they need to stretch it out.� There are only three tournaments, three trails
to ride on…and it all basically plays the same. I mean, you can put on…pink boots,
which is kind of sweet. Your aunt will probably have something to say about it, though. She
needs a pink boot. Up the ass. So does My Western Horse 3D. In the world of horse games, this one�s…destined
for the glue factory.

37 thoughts on “CGR Undertow – MY WESTERN HORSE 3D review for Nintendo 3DS

  1. THAT's how Americanos pronounce aunt? LOLZorama! Although I must say the girl who's reviewing this has a very convincing tone.

  2. duuude did anyone else notice that skittles replaced lime with green apple? it rocks. on topic: this game doesn't need to exist.

  3. Back in my innocent youth I used to love horse riding in Gun. SPUR SPUR SPUR repeatedly until death, next horse. Joy!

  4. I'd love to see Derek review a horse game with a giant hamster riding it. The hamster could be wearing a big cowboy hat, and squeal "howdy partner"! And a bonus stage would be the horse running in a hamster wheel!

    And the horse could be wearing those hamster diapers that Derek commented on in an earlier review! 🙂

  5. Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time has better horse riding as well.
    Its nice that there's tilt controls, I guess :T Its cool games uses the system features.

  6. It actually hurt my feelings from watching this and hearing all the insults and comments he was making the entire time… 🙁

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