[Dunk] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Japan World Cup. I am your host… Michael Hee-haw [Hee-haw] and we are only minutes away now, from an event… most of these riders have been preparing for, for their entire lives. It’s an absolutely beautiful day for a race and we have eight of the top racers from around the globe, ready to compete for the World Cup. It looks like they’re lining up for the stable now. We have from Japan, number one. It’s Daisoku Yamamoto. One of the younger racers out there today. He’s gonna have to prove that he’s ready for the big leagues. Uh-oh! And…
Is that who I think it is?! From Japan, it’s… Bunki Goongold! This guy is know for his trademark,
Motorcycle horse. And now, representing America, we have the Dual Morse Riders. The Dual Morse Riders of course took, uh, the gold medal in the 2008’s Beijing Summer Olympics. Just incredible racers! Oh, no! Who let this guy in here?! From Spain, it’s number five… The Brown Bull! That’s not even a horse! That’s just-
That’s a guy on a bull. That’s-
That’s a giraffe. What the fuck? And number eight, from Japan, It is… A Man on a Horse. Just a normal horse that-
That there’s nothing wrong with. The flag has been raised. (Trumpets playing) And, they’re off! Oh, my god!
You can already tell that it’s going to be a hell of a race. Daisoku Yamamoto taking the lead followed by Bungi Goongold and a third racer, that I don’t even remember entering the race at all. I don’t even think-
I don’t even think she’s in the race. Trailing behind. Well, of course!
We have number four, the Dual Morse Racers and it’s anybody’s game, at this point. Ah, I mean- ‘Cause it’s just started, the race just started. So- That guy probably won’t win, though. Now, if you look closely,
you can see a man on a zebra making a bowing motion And
WHAT IS THIS?! Daisoku Yamamoto! Going for the Advanced Shuffleboard technique! (Excited laugh) I haven’t seen this since 1987 and he wins it! He wins it using the- Using the increased speed, from the dancing motion of the horse. Daisoku Yamamoto is able to secure a-
An early victory. Wow! Truly, uh, this guy is not joking around. I mean, this is a dude to watch out for, in the upcoming- We’re off again! It looks like Reena is dismounting a zebra? No! He’s flop-
He’s actually flopping around on top of it like he’s a fish. Just a-
Just a groundbreaking move. But
What is this? It looks like the other racers are getting in on the action too. Of course! Reen’s speed boost technique is now negated by the other dancers, but it looks like he has a secret plan up his sleeve as he starts to swing around the Zebra’s neck like he’s a helicopter propeller and he starts to propel the zebra towards the finish line! (Laughs) You see? This is why-
This is why he’s a professional… and I’m not. I would have never thought to do that. That dude is a genius. He’s one of the greatest riders out there. Uh-oh!
Looks like Bungi Goongold is… spinning out there. And-
What is this? Number two is just standing on top of number five. And right now, the Americans are thinking to themselves… I wish we would have thought of that. But what-? What is this?! They’re getting longer! The horse is getting longer! It’s a longer horse! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Just an absolutely incredible display by the Americans. Look at that stupid giraffe slamming his head up and down.
(Metal song plays in the background) He’s going for it! He’s moving through the race like a madman! He can’t be stopped! (the music stops) Who won? I don’t even know! We’re gonna have to look at the slow-motion replay. And if you look very carefully, you can see that the jockey actually ran on top of the giraffe’s head and crossed over the finish line! (Chuckling) Now that’s-
That’s a photo finish if I- If I’ve ever seen one. That is a well-deserved victory right there. Wow! Just a- Uh-oh! What is the Brown Bull up to?
Ooh! He’s- Olé! Olé!
He’s… He flips them outta there! He’s a- Oh!
And the bull kicks the guy off… And the bull stops… And he’s not-
And he’s- Now, he’s just eating grass. And the bull is just sitting there eating grass. Come on- And,
What the fu-?! A guy just ran onto the field and won the race! (Laughing) Now entering from China Number five, it’s…
Old man… Rasagool
(Ra’s al Ghul) Known for his unorthodox panda style racing. And his apprentice Baby Algool. Known for… …being a baby. On top of a little pony, there. And, hailing from Russia number seven,
Victor Gongenschtain. That’s just a-
He’s just riding a normal horse. It’s actually kind of underwhelming after seeing all this crazy stuff. Wait, maybe that’s an elephant. (Death Metal music plays) (the music stops) He won the race… ..but at what cost? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure the jockey is dead and that… elephant is just dragging the corpse along the field. Surprise Yeti has entered the race. And…
Eh- He jumps onto the tr- He jumps onto the side of the Trojan horse and starts slamming the rider repeatedly onto the side of the horse! And he ruins it for everybody!
What an asshole! It’s looking like the robotic horse is having a malfunction there. He’s going to have to take that in for a pit stop and that’s gonna hurt his lap time- Oh, wait a minute! He’s got a big ass drill on the-
On the front of the thing! Number eight, he’s got-!
(unintelligible noises) Jesus Christ! It can’t be! The Trojan horse is making a comeback. Could it-?
Could it-?! Rasagool, rolling towards the finish line. But,
What is this?! Bungi Goongold has shown up in a race car and the horse is in the passenger seat!!! Oh, man!
It’s anybody’s game at this point. But the Americans are falling behind. What are they doing? They’re doing a weird move and they’re falling so far behind! (Stuttering) OH, MY- JESUS- JESUS FUCKING- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK?! IT’S SHOOTING A FUCKING ROCKET SHIP OUTTA THE HORSE’S ASS! IT’S FUCKING KILLING EVERYBODY IN THE-!
WHAT THE FU-? [OUTRO]
♪ “Mission Menu” – Pilotwings 64 OST ♪