– I once accidentally bought a horse.
– Sorry? You bought a what? – A horse.
– A horse. Sorry, I missed the s. LAUGHTER You once accidentally bought a horse, am I right? – You’re right.
– Fine. We’re all clear. Under what circumstances? What did you think you were buying? Erm… I never thought I was buying anything, I thought I was renting. LAUGHTER Did you think you were renting a horse? – Yes.
– So you paid to rent a horse and then at the end when you tried to return the horse they said, “What the hell are you doing? “I’ve been trying to get rid of Psycho for years.” That’s pretty much it. How long did you imagine you were going to rent it for? – We thought we were going to rent it for 25 minutes.
– Did they charge you..? It was in Bulgaria, on holiday. OK, and what did it cost in local Bulgarian currency? What is the local Bulgarian currency? Er… LAUGHTER It was…it was 200 Lev. Lev. L-E-V. I don’t know how you pronounce it. – How much is that in sterling, roughly?
– At the time. At the time, I think about Â£90, so we thought it was a good deal. – Â£90 for 25 minutes.
– For 25 minutes on a horse. – But you said, “We thought we were going to rent it for 25 minutes.
– There was me and my friend. – It was a lad’s holiday. We were 18 and thought, “We’ll go horse riding.
– In Bulgaria? Did you question the odd sort of time slots they were going for? I mean, I’ve never gone pony trekking, but I imagine they sort of rent you the horse for perhaps a couple of hours. Or at least a solid half hour. You get 25 minutes, then the horse needs a break for five minutes… Then you keep the horse forever. – Well, I never knew that.
– What happened when you tried to take it back? The guy explained to us that… The guy was gone. LAUGHTER “The guy explained to us that he’d gone”? There were two different guys. You have to go through me if you want to speak to my client today. – There was Guy A. Guy A.
– Guy A? That’s a Bulgarian name.
– It’s very well known. The most famous Bulgarian name. The guy, Dimitri, I think that… No, Guy A… LAUGHTER – And Guy B, right?
– Right. We thought we were going horse riding and we were heading towards – the place where you actually hire the horse…
– Stables! The stables, right? I think he’s making it up and I’m on his team. Bit of patience, Brian, come on. We met a guy on the way who had a horse and we thought he was doing that thing in Asda when you’ve got a shopping trolley, you’re taking it back, somebody else needs a trolley and you say, “Want this one?” So we thought the guy was saying… – “No need to go all the way to the stable. I’m from the stable…”
– Yeah. “So just hire this horse…” – That’s what the guy said.
– Yeah. So there was a bit of a communication breakdown. There was a Bulgarian guy trying to speak English and two Scottish guys trying to speak English, so we thought the guy had given us the horse to ride and come back… Were you not surprised? I mean, I’ve never been on holiday to Bulgaria, but I imagine that things would be a bit cheaper in Bulgaria than in Britain. Were you not surprised it cost you the equivalent of Â£90 to hire a horse for 25 minutes? Well, it was 25 minutes each. There was two of us. So we chipped in for the horse. For 25 minutes each. But still, if you thought you were going to get 25 minutes each, that’s a lot, isn’t it? It’s an hour. You need to give the horse a break, as I said. Let’s forget about the 25 minutes. Just forget about the horse. That’s absolutely, obviously bullshit. You take the horse back, Guy B, who you met on the way to the stables… He’s gone. He’s gone, no sign of him. So you say to Guy A, “Well, we hired this as part of your not bothering to go to the actual stables, but getting a few hundred yards away scheme. “We hired this horse for 25 minutes at an extortionate rate. Nevertheless, here it is. – And what did he say?
– We went back to the place where we picked up the horse. – Oh, so not to the stable.
– But to the random point in the road. Can’t be arsed going to the stables. Bewilderedly, “Where has the strange man gone?” I would have thought, logically, when you were returning it, having thought that he’d have come from the stable that you’d been lucky not to have to walk their before hiring it, – you might think, “It’s the stables it has to go back to…
– Yeah. ..rather than, “Sod ’em, this is where we picked it up from. That’s your fatal mistake. I’m going to stand here 300 yards away from the stables, “Come over here! Come and get your own horse!” At which point, locals start waving, “No. You keep.” – Kevin, look at me, look at me. You’re taking the horse back…
– “Look at me”?! What happened next? Come on, Kevin, come on. So where are we taking it up from? – You’re taking the horse back.
– No, let’s go back to the start. Kevin Bridges, for the love of God, please tell us what happened. Right. We bought a horse, we thought we’d rented the horse, we did the horse riding, – took it back to the actual place we picked up the horse…
– Yes. Locals explained we’d been to a counterfeit guy who wasn’t an official horse riding stable… This is a counterfeit horse? This wasn’t a genuine horse, this was maybe two guys in a costume. That would explain the 25 minutes. I can only do 25 minutes. The giveaway was after 25 minutes, when one went… “Right, let’s crack on, lads.” So, David’s team, what do you think, truth or lie(?) LAUGHTER I mean, the trouble with this game is it plays tricks with your mind, but I don’t think it’s true, you don’t really think? – It’s got to be, hasn’t it?
– It’s got to be a lie. – It’s got to be.
– You’re saying it’s a lie. – So here we go, this really is…
– This is the moment. More than any other episode I’ve done of this, this is the moment we’re waiting for. Kevin Bridges, is it true or is it a lie? It’s true. CHEERING Unbelievable. I once found a suitcase and took it to the police station. When they opened it, it contained 34 bunches of bananas. – David.
– Where did you find the suitcase? – At a train station.
– There are lots of…
– Do you want a specific train station? I’m just thinking, you’re in a train station, you see a suitcase, you think, “I must take that to the police”. That’s potentially a bad approach. No, it was just lying and I’d said to people, “Is that your suitcase?” and it was in the climate of fear and I thought, “Maybe I should be a good citizen”, so I took the suitcase and I headed straight to the British Transport Police guy and told him what had happened. So you moved the suitcase you thought might be a bomb. Did you also give it a good rattle to check whether it was a bomb? I didn’t think it was a bomb, I thought somebody had left their case. That’d have been the response to a climate of forgetfulness, not fear. – I panicked.
– Who opened the suitcase to divulge all those bananas? I came in and the British Transport Police guy took it in his office and then they scanned it with whatever they scan it with… – Those things.
– Yeah, Waitrose. How much are bananas? How much are bananas? At the heart of this is, why would anybody put 34 bunches of bananas into a suitcase? That’s exactly what the chief terror inspector said. He was baffled, that’s why. Did they ever find this guy? – I never kept up to date, I don’t have a clue, I just left it.
– You haven’t kept in touch?
– No. Well, he’s here tonight. # I’m the king of the swingers. # What I doubt here is that, if you’ve taken a piece of unattended luggage to the police, I don’t think they’re going to then immediately open it or… – Well, it was no longer unattended when I got to the police cos I…
– No, but… That won’t reassure them because you’re saying, “I’ve no idea whether or not this has a bomb in it.” – You don’t use the word “bomb” in this situation. I just…
– Did you do a mime? I’m worried this might be a… HE MOUTHS – Then he opened it and went…
– HE MOUTHS Right, we need a decision, truth or lie? – Do you think it’s a lie?
– I do, really. I think it’s a lie.
– Well, we’ll say it’s a lie. You’ll say it’s a lie. Kevin, were you telling the truth? It’s a lie. APPLAUSE So please give a warm welcome to this week’s guest, Drac. APPLAUSE Welcome Drac. So, Kevin, what is Drac to you? This is Drac, my dad’s friend. He took me for a driving lesson and I reversed through a chip shop window. LAUGHTER Brian, please explain how you know Drac. Well, this is Drac, the roadie, that left me gaffer taped to a lighting rig for over an hour. Right. And finally, Lee. What is your connection? This is Drac and I presented him with first prize at the National Pie Awards 2009. So, David’s team, begin your investigation. He’s a friend of your dad’s and he took you on a driving lesson. – Yeah.
– And you ended up reversing through a chip shop window. – Yeah. His name’s Duncan.
– Duncan. And he gets called Drac because it’s like D-R-A-C. and he used to be known as Duncan from the RAC, because he’s a driving instructor. Then that got shortened to… Were trying to do a three-point turn? What was..? – It was the first lesson.
– Right. We thought we’d do reversing – that’s Drac’s strategy. Once you’ve learnt going backwards, going forwards is a piece of cake? It’s the way he sees life and driving tuition. LAUGHTER You’ve got a chip shop by the side of the road, so the car is not facing… The front or back of the car – is not normally facing a chip shop?
– No, it was in its car park.
– A chip shop with a car park?! Have you not been to Scotland before, David? – So this is like a kind of Ikea-scale chip shop?
– It’s a massive chip shop. I worked in this chip shop. – So you’re in the car park by the chip shop window…
– Yeah. ..and you get in the car for the first driving lesson and he says, “First things first – reversing”? Why didn’t he press the brake when he saw you hurtling towards the chip shop? He was busy trying to design his new pork pie. David’s team, we need an answer. Is Drac, Kevin’s driving instructor, Brian’s gaffer-taping roadie or Lee’s prize-winning pie maker? – What are you going to say?
– I have absolutely no idea. Kevin’s sounds implausible, but we’ve been down this road before. Frankly, nothing would surprise me. If he said he’s unscrewed his leg and it had walked to China on its own I’d believe him. Lee doing a corporate? Isn’t pies a bit..? He’s Northern, he’s doing a pie-handing out prize, isn’t it..? – But then again, if you’re doing the pie awards…
– Yeah. ..who would you go to other than Lee Mack? Can you say that to camera? I can give them some available dates, I’ll give available dates. – What’s it going to be?
– Say Brian.
– Say Brian?
– Yeah, come one. Brian, we think it’s Brian. – You’re saying Brian?
– OK. Would you please reveal your true identity. I’m Drac, I’m the roadie that gaffer taped Brian to the lighting rig. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Please welcome this week’s special guest, Tony. APPLAUSE Kevin, we’ll start with you, what is your relationship with Tony? This is my mate Tony. we were once questioned by the police for stealing a life-sized cardboard cut out of Hugh Grant. Katy, how do you know Tony? This is Tony and he freed me from a vending machine when I got my foot stuck in the push compartment. Lee, how do you know Tony? This is Tony and, until today, I had never met this man before but the person that was supposed to be doing this tonight didn’t turn up, so I grabbed the first person I saw outside the studio. So there we have it, Kevin’s partner in crime, Katy’s snack-machine saviour, or Lee’s stand-in man. Right, David, off you go. Well, Lee’s one is quite difficult to cross-examine isn’t it? Essentially, what Lee’s saying is “Here’s Tony, he’s a random bloke”. Who was supposed to come, Lee? Well, had it gone to plan today, I would have said, “This is Graham and he’s my self-defence instructor”, because I’m learning self defence. Right, what happened to Graham? Did he get beaten up? The story I am told is that he hurt his arm this morning, during the self-defence class and then, very late in the day, he got in the car to come here and had some turn because of his pain-killers and cancelled and said, “I can’t come”. Well, it’s a sad old story there. So what was Tony doing here before you found him? – He’s a joiner, which is somebody that puts wood together.
– Thank you. I didn’t want you thinking he was somebody that just randomly joined clubs. – He’s just a very sociable guy.
– “I’m a joiner.” “Where you’re going?” “To join a club.” “What are you doing?” “The Gy-bies.” “Yeah, OK.” Where were you in the complex? I’m not sure how good this is for national television, but I was outside that door where some people go out for a cigarette. – I think you’re aware of that door, David.
– I am. I’m sorry, if David’s parents are watching, to break the news like this, David, occasionally, pff, does that and I’m not talking cigarettes, either. No. For me it will always be the heroin door. What sort of incentive did you offer this good man to come here and make a complete numpty of himself? Well… Well, answer the man, Rob. Oh, that’s… That’s… Oh. The rejected Chuckle Brother has got the better of me again. OK, well, I must say, Lee’s story is incredibly plausible. TERRY: And incredibly tedious. I mean, that’s why it rings so true. Kevin, your partner in crime. What did this man do with you? I think crime’s a strong word, Terry, from a man who has got arson in his past. We were questioned by the police – not charged – for stealing a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Hugh Grant. What were you going to do with Hugh Grant? We’d went to a Blockbuster Video and nothing really caught our eye, except the life-size cardboard cut-out of Hugh Grant. What, sorry, I didn’t understand a word of that. POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: We went to Blockbuster Video, OK? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I knew it was that! POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: And nothing caught our eye, Terry. Finally, he’s talking normal. – Which shows to every Scottish person, if you’d just made a bit of effort…
– Yeah. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE NORMAL ACCENT: And so we’d seen the life-sized cut-out of Hugh Grant on the way out. It was threatening to be a dull evening until we seen this and we thought, “We’ll steal this and have a laugh on the way home.” We were walking home, a police car pulled up and said, “Where are you going with Hugh Grant, lads?” The police guy could not see the funny side at all and decided to put him in the passenger seat, put us two in the back and drive… And drive us to the police station to be questioned. – We haven’t touched on Katy yet.
– No, we haven’t.
– You’ve been told, Terry! We told you quite clearly before we started. – Where was the vending machine?
– It was at Cardiff Central train station. What did the vending machine vend? What is this thing you call “love”, human? It vended the normal stuff – drinks, chocolate bars. What were you doing with your foot in it? I’d put the money in and I was trying to get a drink and I could see that it’d come out a bit but not properly and after trying to get it out with my hands I tried my foot. And it got stuck. – Yes.
– But was it a little hole or a big slot? It was like a tray thing. And how did this fine man help you? He was working at the train station. And he clocked it and came along and said, “D’you want a hand?” And you said, “We must keep in touch”? “Can I have your e-mail address?” – We didn’t stay in touch but I knew how to find him.
– How did you find him? Because he’s still working at Cardiff Central. What I don’t understand, the thing’s fallen down and you’re having difficulty getting it out with your hand. – Correct.
– Now hands are basically better than feet. Yes, I thought you’d say that. If the hand can’t do it, why is the foot going to develop the knack? No, my logic was, I’d tried with the hands and I thought sort of a kick – brute force… – Ah.
– ..might work instead. That was the logic. Was it the sort of door? Often the slot at the bottom has got a sort of door, hasn’t it? – Yes, it had a door.
– I offered slot and she called it a tray. – It’s not a tray, is it?
– It’s not a tray.
– A tray would be removable. This is like good cop, Gy-Bi cop. How did he release the foot? What exactly did he do? – He had a key to open the front bit.
– So you just went back – “Whoa!”
– Yes, yes. What do you think is the most plausible story, Terry? I think… Once again I may be putting my faith, as indeed I have throughout my life, in a woman. So you believe Katy. He looks Welsh. Lee or Kevin, I’m having some difficulty. Guys, I need some consensus. Having trouble picturing the foot lodged in the tray. If you’re saying you’re going towards Lee, you have to then accept – that he is having self-defence lessons.
– Oh, that’s a good point, yes. Because if, you know, you know. Why are you getting self-defence lessons? Well, because my wife decided to take self-defence lessons and asked me to come with her. We have private lessons – he comes round to the house. – I wasn’t expecting it was on the NHS.
– I’m sure money is a problem. What are you going to say, chaps? Is Tony Kevin’s Hugh Grant thief… – MIMICS HUGH GRANT:
– Gosh crikey, crikey gosh. ..Katy’s vending-machine hero or Lee’s last resort? – I don’t know.
– I don’t know. – Oh, dear.
– I think maybe Kevin… Kevin, I think I’d go for Kevin. And you think it’s Katy. I don’t know so I’m going to say, we think it’s Katy. OK. Tony, would you please reveal your true identity? I’m Tony and me and Kevin did steal a life-sized Hugh Grant cut-out. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Were there any charges? No, it was a caution. And you’re proud of it, aren’t you? I see the… There’s real pride in your face. You feel you should have a Duke of Edinburgh award, don’t you? Thank you very much, Tony. Well, he looked Welsh! But of course it’s not just a team game, and my individual liar of the week this week is Kevin Bridges. CHEERING Yes, a fine achievement for a young man of 24. As a Glaswegian, he can look back on that with satisfaction for the rest of his life…another ten years. Good night!