Mulchtown | Adult Swim


Frog Team Man #1:
My last job was at one of
the big aerospace companies. My job there was to kill
a big bullfrog with a shovel. This was a couple years ago, when I moved out of town
for a while to make my own way. The bullfrog lived
in a marshy area near the parking lot and it croaked really loud and distracted
some of the engineers, so it was our job
to kill it with a shovel. There were five of us. We were called the Frog Team. On our sixth day on patrol, we saw the frog hopping around
next to a trash bin and chased it into the road and it got run over
by a big truck. ♪♪ They were gonna lay off
the whole frog team after that, but because we’d done
such a good job, they said they had
another project for us. [ Insects, birds chirping ] There was a big, slow turtle that lived near
some picnic tables that was always
opening its mouth at people, so they asked us
to crack its shell open. We saw the turtle
on the second day, and then spent an hour or so whacking on its shell
with our shovels until it finally broke. ♪♪ After that,
the whole frog team was invited to
the company Christmas party. [ Crowd cheers ] We were a little shy, but a few people came up to us and told us
that we’d done a great job, and that loosened us up. The vice president
of the whole company was there. He was in the middle
of the dance floor, rubbing himself
through the front of his pants. He came over to me and said, “Let’s get out of here. I’ve got some weed in my car.” I asked if the rest of
the Frog Team could come and he said, “No. I don’t want to get high
with your little gay friends.” I told him I wanted to go home, but he grabbed me by
the shoulders so hard it hurt and told me, “Come on. We’ll just get high
for a little while.” And then he stuck out his tongue and waggled it at me
between his two fingers, which I understood
to be an obscene gesture. ♪♪ He walked me out
to the parking lot and I saw my opportunity and whapped him across the back
with my shovel. The human resources director
was at her car and saw me do it, and she rushed over and grabbed
the shovel out of my hands. I left the party right then,
knowing I’d done wrong. You can believe
I felt just awful for hitting the vice president
with a shovel. More than anything, I felt
I’d let down the Frog Team with my shoddy behavior. I didn’t leave the house
for a week, I was so depressed. And then one day,
there was a knock at the door, and it was the whole Frog Team
to give me their support. Who else was there
but the vice president himself, weeping
and opening his arms to me for a hug of forgiveness. I worked down
in Cape Canaveral after that, ripping up cats
with a big riding lawn mower whenever they wandered
onto the field near the launch pad, but it wasn’t the same there, so I quit
and I moved back home. I had something special
over there with the Frog Team, and I don’t know
if I’ll ever have it again. The cats screamed. ♪♪ Snacks I Found Woman: It’s not so bad here,
some people say, though. For example, I found maybe
50 bags of blue corn chips on a big, wooden pallet
in the woods behind the Route 4 rest area. I find a lot of snacks there when I’m walking
through the woods
to buy a hamburger or use the big rest-area toilets
that never clog and flush as if with anger. [ Flies buzzing ] I found a bunch of snack cakes
in the same woods once. Off brand — Ringle Dingles
or Dongle Boys or something, but they’re usually
just as good as the real ones, and cheaper ’cause they’re made
from low-quality ingredients like sugar sludge, which is the bad part of sugar that falls off conveyor belts
in sugar factories. Most of the snack bags
were still vacuum sealed, so they were fine, and the ones
that were punctured had been coated in
an interesting green slime, so I took those home too. I snacked on them for a while until the slime spread
to a house plant and then to my sink, and a verdant green
tangle of vines began growing out of my pipes and I had to throw
the rest of the cakes out. [ Bird cawing ] [ Shovel clangs ] [ Shovel clangs ] This other time,
I found a sack of baby carrots down near the gravel yard
by the Little League field. A big sack,
three or four feet tall, too wide to get my arms around
and nearly too heavy to carry. I stored them next to
a broken air conditioner unit that was leaking Freon, which I thought would maybe
keep them chilled. But in the morning I discovered a bunch of critters
had chewed through the bag and gnawed on
most of the carrots. I grabbed my dad’s old shotgun
out of the garage and filled a bucket with shells and ran back out and fired
and reloaded and fired until the bucket was empty. [ Gunshots ] Unfortunately, the carrots
were splashed with critter syrup and the shotgun
obliterated beyond saving. I threw the whole mess
into the pond. ♪♪ A couple of critter parts fell and lay astride
the blackening trail that led from the AC unit
to the water, but I left them there,
as a warning. ♪♪ I don’t know
why I get so upset when critters
get into my snacks, especially when it’s snacks
I found for free. I just think it is wrong of them
to take what belongs to man. ♪♪ [ Shovel clanging ] [ Siren chirps ] Evil was born
in the Garden of Eden, when Adam let a critter
nibble on snacks from his trees. God blamed Adam for that,
of course, but God is the one to blame for me living
in this humid place with its swarms of gnats
and hordes of critters and toilets clogged
with thorny vines that grow up to the ceiling, and God will always take
the side of the critters, because He was born a skunk. We Arrested The Suspect Man #2:
We arrested the suspect on the corner of
Millford and Rock for suspicion of burglary. He was standing
on the baseball diamond wearing a brown worm costume made of,
I would guess, fabric. We approached the suspect
and asked where he’d been. The suspect was uncooperative and was wriggling around to simulate
the movement of a worm. We informed the suspect that were responding
to a report of a burglary by a suspect
matching his description — white male,
approximately 5’10”, brown facial hair,
brown worm costume. At this time,
the suspect became belligerent and accused my partner and I of profiling him
for wearing a worm suit. We tried to calm the suspect, but he began rolling in the dirt
as worms do. As he was rolling around, a sock filled with jewels
fell out of his worm costume, and it was at this time that we took the suspect
into custody. [ Siren chirps ] As we were driving the suspect
back to the station, we spotted a second man
in a similar worm costume, hopping towards
the main road. I stopped the car and approached the man
in the second worm costume, but judged that he did not fit
the description of the burglar. Upon turning around, I noted that my partner was now wearing a dirt-cake
worm costume of her own and grinning aggressively. I told my partner
to take off the worm costume, and she responded not verbally, but by lunging for my weapon. My partner then drove off
with the suspect, leaving me
abandoned in the park. At this point,
I tried to flag down several passing cars,
but none stopped, and I noted that all of them
were driven by worms. At this point, I decided
to stay off the main road. I knew that the mayor’s house
was not far from where I was, and he had recently
given me a commendation for my above-average
police work, so I began walking
in that direction. [ Water trickling ] ♪♪ When I arrived
at the mayor’s residence, I saw the mayor outside and noted that he
was holding a trowel. The mayor informed me
that the worms were eating away at the roots
of his prized flowers. He said he had been up all night killing worms in his garden. I was aghast. He asked me if I had seen
any worms recently. A denial died on my tongue. He said that
if I had seen any worms, I should tell him, because it was
the mayor’s responsibility to deal with worms
in the appropriate manner. His grip tightened
on the trowel. I backed away. He said he knew
I was no friend to worms, and that I would tell him
if I had seen any. I stumbled
and fell onto my back. The mayor said, “You’ve made a mistake
coming here.” He raised the trowel. I felt for my weapon,
but the worms had taken it. Mulchtown ♪♪

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