[SKATEBOARDING SOUNDS] Hello, Procrastinators! And welcome to Skate 2! This is a game… about skateboards, and the people who ride them. Electronic Arts presents, Electronic Art — Why are the subtitles just copying out the word? Surely words are something that don’t need to be subtitles. That — but — No, you don’t need to do that. Who did they pay to do these sub — they clearly over — they paid this guy for an extra day as the subtitler, and he was like, “Oh, I don’t want to sit around and not work.” so he subtitled all the words. GUARD: Hey, get up… it’s time to go.
DAN: Hello. Hi. Ooh. Where? Oh, him. What about me? I’m in this cell too! I — Awww, I never get to go. ♫ If you leave me now… [MUSIC STARTS PLAYING] I have nothing else to do. [MOMENTS OF SILENCE AS DAN RECOGNISES THE MUSIC] Hang on a second. I’ll have to mute this, but this is playing ELO! This is an ELO song! This is Showdown! Don’t really see them fitting in a gam — Normally, in this sort of game, you get that, sort of, that, that, pathetic, pink-permed, pre-paid, primadonna power pop-punk, you know? Character Creator! Right, I can’t really be arsed to create a new character, so I’ll just change his hair. Why in a skateboarding game do we only have human-coloured hairs? I want to go a luminous green! Yeah, yeah. I didn’t actually change anything in the end. He was a generic skater boy. I said, see you later, boy, and he said, it doesn’t matter, there’s a thousand of me. New to Skate? No. Well, sort of, but okay. Okay, I managed to zoom the view out to the far away one, ‘cos I don’t like the low one, but, er, you see that shit in the corner? Well, apparently we have to live with that. That’s irritating! First grind of the game! OOOOOOOOOO — Oh. Jumping! Dying! Broken sp — MY ARM’S COME OFF!! I have a new skateboard! It’s gonna be awesome! CALIFORNIA!! ÜBER ALLES!! Aww, they call me the ‘Stair Master’. OW! Wuh-Thuh. OOOOOOOHHH! My fathe! That’s wuh-thuh. Air Grab over the Funbox. I remember that one from the Kama Sutra. OH, I’VE LOST IT!! Oh, my God!! I’m just gonna sit here, and bleed out! Let’s try and grind all the way down. Oh, yeah! [PAINED LAUGHTER] MY SPINE CAME OUT MY ASS!! MAN: Alright, let’s see an Ollie. DAN: Do an Ollie! I did it. MAN: Nice! Now let’s see a Kickflip.
DAN: Yeah. I did it! Oh, that an Ollie again. I did it! That’s an Ollie again. I did it! That’s an Ollie again. I did it! That’s an Ollie again. There we go! MAN: Yo, that was fresh! DAN: Yes. It was fresh. Unlike the word ‘fresh’. MAN 2: Dude used to rip, though. Hey, Atiba, let’s get some flicks. DAN: I did not understand a word of what was just said. Over: Male. What does that mean? Have I joined Tumblr again? ‘You might need to move the ramp into position.’ Moving ramps is for vegetarians! OW!! My gentleman vegetables! I guess we should, uh, move this ramp over here. [SLIGHTLY UNINTELLIGIBLE GRUMBLING] Okay, what photo do I want? No, no — well, there’s — that’s got that man in the way, so no. Eh, the barrel ruins that one. That looks crappy. OOH!! That one looks like I’m grinding that thing in the background. Yes! You could run a thing: “We Met a Giant!” Money. Lovely. ATIBA: Ah, sick sesh, dude. I got some bangers! DAN: Then we will have a barbecue! I don’t know what they’re saying. [ODD BOARD NOISES] Oh, shit, I’m skateboarding with Chewbacca! Kickflip the First Stairset, Nollie the S — the Next Stairset. Okay! Kickfip! Oh, fuck, I’m never gonna do this. Kickflip! Fuck! Late Kickflip! Nearly. Kickflip! I Kickflipped! WHAT HAPPENED? Kickflip! That’s an Ollie! That’s a Late Kickflip, and I’ve died. Kickflip! That’s an Ollie! MAN: Dude, we can do this all day. Don’t even worry about it. DAN: I don’t wanna do this all day! I don’t even wanna do this now! I just want to fucking nail a Kickflip and we can be out of here! Kickflip! That was a Kickflip! Just ‘cos I busted my willy out at the end there. [ANNOYED GRUMBLING] Kickflip! Oh my God! That’s ju — I can’t do this. Kickflip! YES! It worked! Now what do we gotta do for this one? Nollie! Awesome! [TRICK PERFORMED] [CLENCHING INTESIFIES] Oh, thank God they counted that one! That one, they were like, “Ah ,do anything with the Nollie!” MAN: Yo, if you want, you can go online and play with your friends for real. It’s a lot of fun. Yeah, or — or I could be the loner that I am, who has no friends, ‘cos he killed them all. And now I’ve concussed myself on a bin! Oh, God, I have to air over both dumpsters! How? How am I going to jump over both of these bastards? [ATTEMPT MADE] [LAUGHTER] Okay, Plan B: let’s use the board. Plan B: use the — yeah, okay, we’ll try that. Okay, okay, okay. Airing! Yeah, I’m gonna need a ramp! Good thing this conveniently place disabled ramp is right here. Whoops! Ready, ready, ready, ready, ready? RAMP! Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s not any better! Screw the rules! I have dumpster power! Alright. This time I shall not fail! ARRIBBA!! Oh, I still failed. I don’t like this ramp anymore. Go away. Okay, this time I shall not fail! Leap! Hell yeah!! I didn’t fail. I was right! I think that’s the first time I said that and it didn’t fail! Do Four Grabs off the Banks. What, does that mean, like, get a loan or something? Jump! Grab! Land! What do you mean, failed? That looked good enough to me. Move! Thank you. Grinding! Oh. Why did you move? That’s your accident. Air the car. Air the car. Air the car. Air the car! Air the car! Call the ambulance! Call the ambulance! Go! Aaaaaaannddddd … Grind the rail! OH! NOW! NOW YOU DO KICKFLIPS! Aaaanddd grind! Knee bounce! Grind on this instead! Perfect, perfect, perfect, nothing, nothing wrong there. At all. Aaandd gri — What the? Yes! Spectacular! What a really awkward place for this! I want to come at it from the side — [FAILURE HAPPENS] I like the way they put me anyway. Alright, ready for ya. I’m ready for ya, I’m ready for ya. HWEE! AH, PISS, TWAT, HEAD AND HOLE!!! ♫ And rollin’, rollin, and rollin’, rollin, and ♫ I have knackered myself!! ♫ I’m now not gonna have children!! Boom! Oh my God, DO YOU HATE SKATEBOARDING? This is the worst staircase. This is the worst staircase in the world. Oh, I hate everything. Super, super slow. Super — There we go! YYYYYYEEEEESSSSSS!!!! BOOM! NAILED IT!! [CONGRATULATORY SOUNDS, WHICH MIGHT BE ‘CAN DO SKATEBOARDS’] Okay, the map has opened up, I think that’s the tutorial done! Celebratory Jumpster — [PAINFUL LANDING SOUNDS] Celebratory never being able to walk again! Okay, sir, which skateboarding game is the better? Tony Hawk’s? Thank you. You’re allowed to go. [ALLOWS CAR TO GO] Excuse me, sir, what skateboarding game is better? Tony Hawk’s? Alright, you’re excused — OH MY GOD, I’VE BEEN HIT BY A CAR!! MAN 3: Oh my God! DAN: Fucking Mat Hoffman fans! Jesus Christ! Number two! Oh, no, no, no, no. Not allowed. There we go. Right, I’ve stopped all traffic. Skateboarder power! Skateboarder power! [MOMENTS OF SILENCE] Okay, let’s just separate these off. Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention? Skateboards are now the dominant modes of transportation in this city! So, um. Suck it! Haha! Ooh, fuck, nearly killed myself! Never mind! There’s a lady down there who’s, um, hasn’t seemed to realise that she’s walking into a wall. Shall we investigate her? Um, — Oh God! I am in all the pain. Uh, excuse me, madam? That’s not a path, that’s a solid wall. Uh, your cup also appears to be sending — I’VE BEEN HIT BY A CAR!! Okay now, madam — I’VE BEEN HIT BY ANOTHER CAR! Oh my God, my voice! I’ve been taken to the Shadow Realm! Madam. Move! Thataway. Oh, now I’ve — now I’ve harassed her. Now this is harassment. You did! You were an idiot. Now I’m gonna be hit by a car because of you. Oh, this one actually stopped. Yay! I made a new — And now I’ve been run over by a car. [ODD THINGS OCCUR] Gravity has changed direction! [JUMPS OFF BOARD AND DOES WEIRD FOOT-FLICKING MOVE] Oop, bet I couldn’t do that again. [DOES THE FOOT-FLICKING MOVE AGAIN] Oh. Full speed, full speed, full speed, full speed, FULL SPEED, FULL SPEED, FULL SPEED, SOMEONE’S LIVING ROOM!!! [KNOCKS OVER BLOCKADE] [URGE TO REBELLION INTENSIFIES] Fuck the establishment! Own the Spot? I’m gonna, like, fucking lawyers and shit for that, surely? Um, I appeared to have stopped here, and — Oh! Never mind. I can’t see if there’s a platform there. Oh, I’ve made a jump! [CLANG] [TAKING A POLE WHERE A GOOD, UPSTANDING PERSON SHOULDN’T TAKE A POLE] [ANGUISHED SQUEAL OF PAIN] OH! Oh dear. Oh, dear. Oh! [POLE TO THE FACE] [POLE TO THE KNEES, BUT LOOKS LIKE BETWEEN THE LEGS] Oh, the police are here. [POLE IN THE STOMACH]
DAN: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho. Shit. [POLE TO THE FACE AGAIN] [POLE TO THE NECK] I’ve died! Uh-oh! [POLE BETWEEN THE LEGS] [NECK TWISTING IN IMPROPER WAYS FOR A NECK TO TWIST] His neck. His neck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh — oh. Oh, shit. [FULL-ON POLE BETWEEN THE LEGS, THE SORT THAT MAKES A MAN’S VOICE JUMP UP TWO OCTAVES] MAN 4: Yeah, you know the routine: move it or lose it! I think I’ve lost it! It’s definitely come off! [MORE SKATEBOARDING SOUNDS] WOMAN: You got the camera ready? DAN: [LAUGHING] “You got the camera ready,” she says, as she goes sailing down Oop, there — ooh, I nearly joined her. Well done. Maybe she’s recording some sore of Jackass-like thing. Um, — Oh, I didn’t have to just get through there, I actually just had to get some points around here. Oh. So I just have to sort of go up here and — Oh. Oh, I really, really busted a nut for nothing, then. Oh! … And I’m dead. Board! Oh, Jesus! I can’t even reset to my board without concussing my poor little guy! What chance do I have of nailing the GREATEST TRICK EVER! Here we go! I missed. I’m just gonna live in this box. Hey people on the bench! Bench Sandwich! BENCH SANDWICH! [NOISES OF EXERTION THAT SOUND DIRTY IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES] No? Okay. Grind, two, three, four! OOOHHHHHH!!!! For a second then, he had a sort of Wile E. Coyote style, hadn’t noticed he ove — across the edge of the cliff. But, no, he still plummeted into plum-based death. [GOOD GRIND NOISES] Oh, I nailed it that time. Ooh, JUMP! That’s not good, that’s a death. [PAINED LAUGHTER] Oh-ho-ho, someone just lost their entire set of childhood memories. They’re gone. They’re gone. [SKATER GETS HIT BY CAR, BUT CAN WE TAKE A MOMENT TO REALISE THE FACT THAT THERE’S A T-MOBILE STORE IN A VIDEO GAME] Oh my God! I was just getting a drink and that dude got run over by a car. Oh, but now he’s been taken to heaven, so that’s fine. Okay, now I’ve come to what is the very top of the map Er, it’s called Cougar Mountain, and I’m going to try and, er, gently hold my board. Just ska — I’m gonna skate it down. Actually, no, let’s do a Coffin. Yes! I’m gonna Coffin down as much of it as possible. Er, and see — Oh, good grief! — see how long I can survive for. It may not be very long because, um, I don’t know the way, but we’ll see. Ooh, dodge round him! Ooh, dodge round him! Okay, apparently now we’re going this way! What is this? Is this a dam? Oh, we’re on a dam! Oh, let’s go off the dam. AT LEAST I HAVE MY PEERS’ RESPEEEEEEEEEEEEECC – [END CARD] [TASTY POST-CREDITS SEQUENCE INCOMING: LIKE MARVEL’S BUT INFINITELY BETTER] Ready, ready, ready, ready, ready? LEAP IT! Oh I fucked it. Oh, God, there’s not even water there! Broken, spine. Oh NO! [LAUGHTER] [SMALL FINAL CHUCKLE]