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>>I AM THE DESTROYER OF MOUNTAINS, THE KILLER OF KINGS, I ALWAYS FLY BY YET I DON’T HAVE WINGS. I CAN END BASKETBALL GAMES OR MARRIAGES WITH SIMILAR EASE, AND THOUGH I FLOW LIKE A STREAM, ONLY WATER CAN FREEZE. I’VE MURDERED PARENTS AND CHILDREN AND HOUSE PLANTS GALORE, YET DESPITE ALL THIS, YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE. WHO AM I? I’M DENNY BOFFA, AMATEUR RIDDLE WRITER, FORMER FATHER, AND INVENTOR OF THE BROOMSHAKALAKA, THE ALL-IN-ONE MULTIPURPOSE BROOM. AND IF YOU HAVEN’T GUESSED IT, THE ANSWER TO MY RIDDLE WAS “TIME.” TIME. TIME. HEY, HOW MUCH DO WE WASTE OF THAT SWEET STUFF? DON’T YOU WISH YOU COULD TAKE SOME OF THAT TIME BACK? DON’T YOUDESERVE IT? NOW IT’S YOURS. SWEEP AWAY YOUR CLEANING SUPPLIES! SWEEP AWAY YOUR TOOLS! SWEEP AWAY YOUR KITCHENWARE! SWEEP AWAY YOUR YOUR GARDENING STUFF! HEY, YOU COULD EVEN SWEEP AWAY YOUR TOILET PAPER! I DON’T CARE. SWEEP IT ALL AWAY! YOU CAN EVEN SWEEP YOUR OLD BROOM AWAY. [ CLATTERS ] SWEEP AWAY ALL YOUR WORRIES WITH THE BROOMSHAKALAKA! NOW, OVER THE NEXT…10 MINUTES, I’M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW EASY IT IS TO USE TO USE THIS HOUSEHOLD TOOL THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND SAVE YOU TIME. AND TO HELP ME DEMONSTRATE, I’D LIKE TO WELCOME SOME FRIENDS OF MINE. HEY, MARK! HEY, EILEEN! COME ON OUT! >>HI, DENNY. THANKS FOR HAVING US. >>OH, HEY! THANKS FOR COMING. SAY, EILEEN, COULD YOU HAND ME THAT BIG BOWL OF ASH? >>SURE, NO PROB WHOOPS! SORRY, DENNY. ASH IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SWEEP UP. >>WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT SWEEPING? ASHES TO ASHES, DUST TO BUST! [ MOTOR WHIRRING ] >>HOLY [BLEEP] UH…CAN I SWEAR? >>NO. >>UH, WOW. THAT’S AMAZ >>YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET! THE INDUSTRIAL-GRADE BLOWER IS ONLY ONE OF THE MANY FUNCTIONS THAT I ESTIMATE WILL SAVE YOU OVER NINE WHOLE HOURS OVER THE COURSE OF THE YEAR. FOLKS, MY GOAL TODAY IS FOR 2,550 OF YOU VIEWERS TO GET BACK THAT TIME YOU DESERVE! >>PUT ME DOWN FOR ONE. I SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME CLEANING. >>OH, THE BROOMSHAKALAKA’S FOR MORE THAN JUST CLEANING, EILEEN. WITH A SIMPLE TWIST OF THE DIAL, IT’S THE IDEAL TOOL FOR THE BATHROOM… [ GRUNTS ] …THE KITCHEN… OR THE GARDEN. >>OH, UH, DENNY, ARE YOU SURE THAT THING’S SAFE? >>ABSOLUTELY, MARK. YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE A DAUGHTER MYSELF, SO I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT SAFETY IS. THE GARDEN EDGER’S MOTION SENSOR WILL SHUT IT DOWN AS SOON AS I COME WITHIN A DICK-WIDTH OF THE BLADE. AAH! >>HOLY [BLEEP] >>AAAAAAAAAAH! >>[ STAMMERS ] WHAT DO WE THE BROOMSHAKALAKA… IS HEAVIER THAN YOU’D THINK. >>B-BUT THAT’S GOOD ‘CAUSE THAT MEANS IT’S QUALITY. >>YEAH, RI EXACTLY. RIGHT. SO, IT’S GOT OTHER FEATURES, T-TOO, YEAH. LET’S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE. UM… UH… >>OH! HUH. >>W-WHAT IS THIS? FROSTING? YEAH. NO. IT’S A CAULK GUN. [BLEEP] >>I DON’T KNOW… >>[ SPITS ] >>ALL RIGHT! OH, HEY! HEY, I’M BACK! HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE BROOMSHAKALAKA CAN SAVE YOU UP TO NINE HOURS PER YEAR? AND SINCE IT’S GOT A 30-YEAR WARRANTY, THAT MEANS YOU’RE GONNA SAVE OVER 11 DAYS OVER THE LIFE OF THE BROOM! >>DENNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. >>I’M FINE! BUT THE VIEWERS AT HOME WON’T BE UNLESS THEY ORDER NOW BECAUSE TIME IS BLEEDING OUT. SAY, MARK, YOU LOOK KIND OF HUNGRY. DID I JUST HEAR YOUR STOMACH GROWLING? >>UH, NO, ACTUALLY, I’M REALLY NAUSEOUS. >>WELL, MAYBE IT WAS YOURS THEN, EILEEN. HEY, COULD YOU HAND ME A BANANA? HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE FOCUSING MY VISION RIGHT NOW. >>THAT’S ‘CAUSE YOU’RE LOSING A LOT OF BLOOD. >>THE ONLY THING I’M LOSING RIGHT NOW IS PATIENCE. I ASKED FOR A BANANA. >>THAT IS A BANANA. >>OKAY, GREAT! HEY, LET’S GO AHEAD AND TURN THAT BANA-“NAH” INTO A BANA-“YEAH!” WITH THE BROOMSHAKALAKA’S BLENMNER MODE. >>DENNY, COME ON. I DON’T THINK YOU’RE IN ANY CONDITION TO OPERATE A BLENDER. >>WELL, NON NONSENSE! YOU KNOW, WITH THE BROOMSHAKALAKA, BLENDING ALWAYS GOES SMOOTHIE. JUST GOT TO TURN THE DIAL… NOPE, THAT’S A PUTTER. THAT’S A RAKE. DOG-BONE DISPENSER. OH! MILAH KNIFE FOR BRISES. >>WHY THE HELL DOES A BROOMSHAKALAKA HAVE THAT? >>WELL, DON’T MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOHEL. HEY, YOU KNOW, IT WORKS GREAT. I TESTED IT OUT ON MYSELF LAST WEEK. YOU JUST TAKE IT, PUT IT UNDER THE FORESKIN. HEY, MARK, YOU’RE NOT JEWISH, ARE YOU? >>NO. UH, I MEAN…YES? >>OH, DAMN, THAT WOULD HAVE MADE SOME GREAT TV. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT’S ALSO FOR THE LADIES, TOO. HEY EILEEN, YOU’RE NOT FROM SIERRA LEONE, ARE YOU? >>UH, I DEFINITELY AM. >>OH, DAMN! WHAT ARE THE ODDS? AAAAAAAAH! >>W-WHAT WAS THAT?! >>THE BLOW TORCH. PERFECT FOR THAT BANANAS FOSTER THAT WE WERE TRYING TO MAKE ON PURPOSE. NOW, EILEEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT BROOMS? >>I DON’T KNOW. >>Witches, witches… >>WITCHES, WITCHES. >>WITCHES! EXACTLY! THE BROOMSHAKALAKA IS LIKE MAGIC, “WITCH IS” EXACTLY WHAT YOU’LL BE SAYING WHEN YOU SEE HOW IT HANDLES… >>OH! >>…INTERIOR DECORATING. >>OH! >>NOW, IF YOU’LL JUST FOLLOW ME OVER HERE >>NO, NO, WE’RE DONE! WE’RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL! COME ON. >>NO! NO, I NEED TO SELL 2,550 BROOMS! >>WHY?! WHAT’S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT THAT NUMBER? >>THE AVERAGE AMERICAN LIFE EXPECTANCY IS 77.97 YEARS. THAT’S 11,220 DAYS. I NEED TO SELL 2,550 BROOMS. THAT’S THE EQUIVALENT OF ONE LIFE. THAT’S THE EQUIVALENT OF MY LITTLE MY LITTLE DAUGHTER’S LIFE. LITTLE JENNY BOFFA. SHE WAS 12 YEARS OLD WHEN SHE DIED. SHE WAS DECAPITATED. >>HOLY [BLEEP] >>NOT BY THE BROOMSHAKALAKA. >>OH, OKAY. >>BY JIHADISTS. >>MM-HMM. >>THOSE WERE HER ASHES WE SPREAD EARLIER. >>THAT’S GROSS. >>MY LITTLE JENNY. >>COME ON, DENNY. COME ON. >>YEAH, YEAH. COME ON, DENNY. LET’S GO. >>COME ON. YOU SAID THE BROOMSHAKALAKA’S REALLY GREAT FOR INTERIOR DECORATING? >>YES! >>EILEEN? >>YES, IT’S GOT A PAINT ROLLER, A STUD FINDER, A DECOUPAGE SMOOTHER. >>OH, STUD FINDER! I WISH I HAD ONE OF THOSE AT THE BAR LAST NIGHT! [ BOTH LAUGH ] >>WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >>I’M SAVING A LIFE! >>Not his. >>WELL, OBVIOUSLY, YEAH. >>UH, O-OKAY. HEY HEY, DENNY. UH…WHY WHY DON’T YOU TAKE THIS AND GO OVER THERE AND, UH, SHOW US MORE THINGS THAT THIS BROOMSHAKALAKA CAN DO, HUH? >>THIS IS OLD BROOM. >>NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS IS THE BROOMSHAKALAKA. YOU’RE JUST HAVING TROUBLE SEEING, REMEMBER? RIGHT OVER THERE. >>YEAH, YEAH. >>WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? YOU’RE NOT HELPING HIM. YOU’RE KILLING HIM. >>HIS WORDS SPOKE TO ME, MARK. I, TOO, UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE. >>IS THIS ABOUT FRENCH FRIES? >>SOMETIMES I WISH IT WAS ME THAT FLEW OUT OF THAT PASSENGER WINDOW. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE THAT CURVE SO DAMN FAST? >>WE WERE LATE FOR HIS APPOINTMENT TO THE VET. >>I LOVED THAT DOG, AND YOU KILLED HIM. >>WE WERE GOING THERE TO PUT DOWN. >>YOU STOLE THE LAST FEW MINUTES OF FRENCH FRIES’ LIFE, AND I’M GONNA GET THEM BACK! THAT’S WHY WE NEED TO SELL 5,100 BROOMS! >>LOOK, EVEN IF YOU CAN SAVE ALL THAT TIME, IT’S JUST THE EQUIVALENT OF A LIFE. IT’S MATH. IT’S NOT MAGIC. YOU’VE LOST YOUR MIND. >>BUT THE BROOMSHAKALAKA HELPED ME FIND MY RAISON D’ETRE WITH THIS RADON DETECTAH! [ BEEPING ] >>WHY IS IT BEEPING? WAIT. IS THERE RADON IN HERE? >>I HURT MYSELF AGAIN. >>WHAT? HOW? I GAVE YOU A NORMAL BROOM. >>YEAH, IT’S UP MY BUTT NOW, THOUGH. >>OH [BLEEP] >>IT’S UP MY BUTT. IT’S UP MY BUTT. >>WHAT’S NEXT, DENNY? >>THERE’S ONE LAST FUNCTION I NEED TO SHOW YOU. AAH! UH, I DON’T THINK I’M GOING TO MAKE IT. I WANT TO BE BURIED… IN A JEWISH CEMETERY. >>BUT DIDN’T YOU ALREADY CIRCUMCISE YOURSELF? >>YES, BUT THE TORAH FORBIDS MAKING MARKS ON YOUR FLESH. EILEEN, HURRY! >>OH, GOD! [ GASPS ] IS THAT…? >>JENNY. JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS SHE WAS IN REAL LIFE. EILEEN, THE BROOMSHAKALAKA HAS A TATTOO LASER REMOVAL… >>NO. >>…CODE 4337! >>EILEEN, NO! >>4337! >>WHY SAY GOODBYE TO TATTOOS WHEN YOU CAN SAY “SEE YA LASER”? >>NO, NO, NO, NO! NO, NO! NO! HYAH! I WILL NOT STAND HERE AND LET YOU MUTILATE HIM! >>[BLEEP] >>THIS INFOMERCIAL IS OVER! [BLEEP] DO YOU HEAR ME? AAH! >>IT’S IT’S WORKING! MARK, KEEP FREAKING OUT! >>WHAT? >>KEEP SHOWCASING THE BROOM! >>OH, NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE? STOP. STOP BUYING THE BROOMSHAKALAKA! >>WE DID IT, DENNY! HA HA! WE SOLD 2,550 BROOMS! DENNY? DENNY? BUT WE FINALLY SOLD THE… >>IS HE DEAD? >>WE SOLD 2,550 BROOMS. >>SO? DO YOU REALLY THINK HAWKING SOME SUPERBROOM COULD [ DOOR OPENS ] >>ARE YOU THERE, DAD? IT’S ME JENNY. >>HOLY [BLEEP] >>IT WORKED! >>AND IF YOU BUY MORE, WE CAN SAVE DENNY, TOO! WE CAN SAVE EVERYONE! >>NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THE MATH IS IT’S NOT POSSIBLE! >>Shh, Shh, Shh! DON’T THINK, DON’T THINK! JUST BELIEVE. AND SELL! DENNY, YOU’RE BACK! >>AND SO ARE MY HANDS! CHECK OUT THE BROOMSHAKALAKA’S GUITAR MODE! [ GUITAR STRUMMING ] >>I CAN’T… I CAN’T… MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN, EVERYONE AT HOME… I CAN’T PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED HERE TODAY, BUT IF YOU’VE EVER WANTED TO GET TIME BACK… IF YOU’VE EVER WANTED A SECOND CHANCE TO RECLAIM WHAT’S IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE… IF OTHER BROOM MULTI-TOOLS HAVE LET YOU DOWN… THEN MAKE LIKE N’SYNC AND… >>”BUY, BUY, BUY!” [ DOG BARKS ] >>FRENCH FR

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